TOOTSIE ROLL FOREST—At a press conference Monday, Professor Eustace Owl IV admitted to unscrupulous scientific practices in a 1970s landmark study, which was designed to determine the number of licks required to reach the chocolatey center of a Tootsie Pop.
Prof. Owl explained that in order to break through to the middle of the Pop quickly, one must employ the use of his teeth, or beak, to bite through the hard candy on the outer layer. This is in sharp contrast to the results of the study, which clearly showed that three licks were insufficient to achieve that goal. In reality, he explained, an estimated 300-500 licks are actually needed.
Prof. Owl gives falsified information to an unidentified boy.
Although not specific about the motives for tainting the experiment, Prof. Owl did elude to influences outside of the controlled study environment. "When I was sitting on my branch, these kids walked up to me and asked for my wisdom in this very matter. Because they were nice children, I did not want to bore them by sitting there licking the Tootsie Pop for a half-hour. So I entertained them by crunching through to the middle almost immediately, which seemed to satisfy them."
The unscrupulous Prof. Owl, as seen on a hat.
Owl also spoke about the flavors he preferred, and he noted that the flavor with the chocolate on both the outside and the inside seemed somewhat redundant.
The professor also used the press conference to dispel a common myth about the Tootsie Pop wrapper. "If you get a wrapper with the picture of the Indian shooting his arrow at a star, it DOES NOT mean you get a free Tootsie Pop."
Representatives from whoever in the heck makes Tootsie Pops had no comment.
