June 23, 2005

Recent News Chunklets

Small, Hairy Worker Searches for Contact Lens

SECAUCUS, NJ - Hairy construction worker Jermaine Sheppard lost a contact lens from his left eye Tuesday. His attempts to recover the missing lens are thus far unsuccessful.

"[On the] roof," says Sheppard, when asked exactly where he was working when the lens disappeared. Rusty, another worker, was handing him a claw hammer, when his left foot slipped and the tool went airborne. Sheppard, acting quickly, dodged the hammer, but his contact lens dislodged from his eye as a result.

Jermaine Sheppard scans the floor for his missing contact lens.

Sheppard, 28, has worn contacts for most of his life. He says the rigors of construction work have caused him to lose over two dozen lenses in the last two years. Considering the excessive hair that grows on all parts of his body, it's a small wonder that he hasn't lost more.

"[It's] rough."


U.S. Government to Begin Offering Naming
Rights of Holidays to Major Corporations


WASHINGTON - The U.S. Calendar Consortium announced the sale of naming rights of several holidays to major corporate sponsors Wednesday. The move comes as national budgets are being stretched thinner than ever due to war appropriations and health care costs.

All government-recognized holidays are on the auction block, expecting to raise anywhere from a few hundred thousand to hundreds of millions of dollars apiece, depending on popularity and religious significance.

Major companies have already bid on all major holidays through 2009. If deals are struck, expect to see Pepsi Labor Day Sponsored by Kraft; GlaxoSmithKline Veterans' Day; AOL Time Warner New Year's Day; Focus on the Family Presents Easter; Microsoft Wal-Mart Columbus Day; and GE Christmas Presented by Toys 'R' Us on calendars next year.


Chester Cheetah Named U.S. Poet Laureate

Chester Cheetah, long-time beloved spokescat for the Frito-Lay brand Cheetos snacks, was named U.S. poet laureate by President Bush Friday.

"It's a really great honor to accept this post," rhymed Cheetah. "I'm the cheesiest poet from coast to coast."

Chester Cheetah chills next to President Bush.

Cheetah is not the first cartoon jungle cat to be named to the prestigious post. In 1979, the memorable free-verse poetry of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes icon Tony the Tiger earned him the nod from then-President Jimmy Carter. Cheetah was quick to pay respect to his feline predecessor.

"Tony was the first, and that was grrreat. Now here's a little something to contemplate. The ears of the nation are listenin' to me, to proclaim my Ultimate Cheesiness® unto thee!"

1 Letters to the editor:

At 6:00 PM, Blogger Jillian wrote...

LOL -- I definately liked the one about the dog and the contact lens.

Ha ha --

"[It's] rough" -- Priceless!! :-)

 

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