Top News Headlines, June 26-July 2, 2005

$180M Hong Kong Phooey Begins Promises
'Reboot' of Hong Kong Phooey Franchise
...
Drunk Geographers Discover Oregon
Actually One Giant Circle
...
Picket-Sign Holders Local 24 Set to Strike
...
Man Hits Round Object With Stick,
Runs in Square Pattern, Returns
...
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Funeral Procession Accidentally Loops
Back Upon Itself; Enters 36th Hour

Recent News Chunklets

Small, Hairy Worker Searches for Contact Lens

SECAUCUS, NJ - Hairy construction worker Jermaine Sheppard lost a contact lens from his left eye Tuesday. His attempts to recover the missing lens are thus far unsuccessful.

"[On the] roof," says Sheppard, when asked exactly where he was working when the lens disappeared. Rusty, another worker, was handing him a claw hammer, when his left foot slipped and the tool went airborne. Sheppard, acting quickly, dodged the hammer, but his contact lens dislodged from his eye as a result.

Jermaine Sheppard scans the floor for his missing contact lens.

Sheppard, 28, has worn contacts for most of his life. He says the rigors of construction work have caused him to lose over two dozen lenses in the last two years. Considering the excessive hair that grows on all parts of his body, it's a small wonder that he hasn't lost more.

"[It's] rough."


U.S. Government to Begin Offering Naming
Rights of Holidays to Major Corporations

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Calendar Consortium announced the sale of naming rights of several holidays to major corporate sponsors Wednesday. The move comes as national budgets are being stretched thinner than ever due to war appropriations and health care costs.

All government-recognized holidays are on the auction block, expecting to raise anywhere from a few hundred thousand to hundreds of millions of dollars apiece, depending on popularity and religious significance.

Major companies have already bid on all major holidays through 2009. If deals are struck, expect to see Pepsi Labor Day Sponsored by Kraft; GlaxoSmithKline Veterans' Day; AOL Time Warner New Year's Day; Focus on the Family Presents Easter; Microsoft Wal-Mart Columbus Day; and GE Christmas Presented by Toys 'R' Us on calendars next year.


Chester Cheetah Named U.S. Poet Laureate

Chester Cheetah, long-time beloved spokescat for the Frito-Lay brand Cheetos snacks, was named U.S. poet laureate by President Bush Friday.

"It's a really great honor to accept this post," rhymed Cheetah. "I'm the cheesiest poet from coast to coast."

Chester Cheetah chills next to President Bush.

Cheetah is not the first cartoon jungle cat to be named to the prestigious post. In 1979, the memorable free-verse poetry of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes icon Tony the Tiger earned him the nod from then-President Jimmy Carter. Cheetah was quick to pay respect to his feline predecessor.

"Tony was the first, and that was grrreat. Now here's a little something to contemplate. The ears of the nation are listenin' to me, to proclaim my Ultimate Cheesiness® unto thee!"

Top News Headlines, June 19-25, 2005

Autobiographer Criticized for
Thinking Only About Himself

Wilsonville Man Eats Lunch

$20 Lottery Winner Regrets Quitting His Job

As TV Draws to a Close, People
Look Ahead to Reading, Quilting

New MPAA Rating System:
C = Cool; UC = Uncool

Local Cook Discovers Use for Hot
Dog Water; Receives Nobel Prize

Week of June 12-18

Hiatus.

GBM Interview: Norah Jones

By Brad Ferndale
GBM reporter

Norah Jones' singing career has taken off like a jet airplane in a hurry to get out of Dallas. In two or four short years, her songs have earned her eleven Grammys and 19 Top Ten hits. She's sold more than 435 million albums to date, without even breaking a sweat, and at 26, she's got a lifetime of singing and charting still to come.

Some of her achievements include singing for the Academy Awards, touring with the USO in Afghanistan and Iceland, and founding two worthwile charitable organizations: UNICEF and Aflac. She maintains close relations with her extended family, and loves to spend her money on them: last year, she flew 55 uncles, aunts and cousins to Sea World from their home in San Diego.

GBM visited Norah in the busy conference room of Blue Note Records, where she is working on some vocal tracks for her forthcoming, as-yet-untitled third album.

GBM: Some people are telling me that you are poised to become the next Aretha Franklin, Peter Cetera, or Charo. How are you handling all of this superfluous publicity?

Jones: THAT IS CORRECT NEXT SPELL FURNISH

GBM: What was it like working with Twisted Sister's Dee Snider? He's a lively one, I'll bet.

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NOW TRY CHAMPION

GBM: That is interesting. Were there any sparks there, or did you stay 500 feet away like the restraining order required?

Jones: THAT IS INCORRECT TRY AGAIN CHAMPION

GBM: First Come Away With Me, then Feels Like Home have won the world over with soulful vocals and honest but whimsical lyrics. Will the new album be nautically themed or focus on campaign finance reform?

Jones: YOU ARE CORRECT NEXT SPELL ADDRESS

GBM: It's truly amazing, the way you can play piano and sing at the same time. Where did you master that unique skill?

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NEXT SPELL PORPOISE

GBM: I really enjoy the lyrics of "Painter Song", where you sing, "If I were a painter/And could paint a memory/I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you." Did you visit any home construction sites to get a feel for what a painter's life is like?

Jones: PORPOISE

GBM: To me? Wow, I didn't think you knew who I was, much less admired me enough to write me a song.

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NOW TRY GUMPTION

GBM: Yes, of course, I was only kidding. What kind of surprises are in store on the new tour? Any pyrotechnics, flying over the audience, any of that?

Jones: YOU ARE CORRECT NEXT SPELL MUFFLE

GBM: What about helicopters? I understand Gwen Stefani's been driving on stage in a Sherman Tank with balloon animals taped to the turret.

Jones: THAT IS CORRECT NEXT SPELL REALIZE

GBM: Norah, as always, you are as beautiful as you are lovely. Thanks for the chat.

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NEXT SPELL COPPER

(A Texas Instruments Speak & Spell contributed to this report.)