Getaway Banjo Music

Top News Headlines, June 26-July 2, 2005

2005-06-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

$180M Hong Kong Phooey Begins Promises
'Reboot' of Hong Kong Phooey Franchise
...
Drunk Geographers Discover Oregon
Actually One Giant Circle
...
Picket-Sign Holders Local 24 Set to Strike
...
Man Hits Round Object With Stick,
Runs in Square Pattern, Returns
...
857504 235 66452 2145 27325 897678
252 25479266 354166 66704 3006
...
Funeral Procession Accidentally Loops
Back Upon Itself; Enters 36th Hour

Recent News Chunklets

2005-06-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Small, Hairy Worker Searches for Contact Lens

SECAUCUS, NJ - Hairy construction worker Jermaine Sheppard lost a contact lens from his left eye Tuesday. His attempts to recover the missing lens are thus far unsuccessful.

"[On the] roof," says Sheppard, when asked exactly where he was working when the lens disappeared. Rusty, another worker, was handing him a claw hammer, when his left foot slipped and the tool went airborne. Sheppard, acting quickly, dodged the hammer, but his contact lens dislodged from his eye as a result.

Jermaine Sheppard scans the floor for his missing contact lens.

Sheppard, 28, has worn contacts for most of his life. He says the rigors of construction work have caused him to lose over two dozen lenses in the last two years. Considering the excessive hair that grows on all parts of his body, it's a small wonder that he hasn't lost more.

"[It's] rough."

U.S. Government to Begin Offering Naming
Rights of Holidays to Major Corporations

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Calendar Consortium announced the sale of naming rights of several holidays to major corporate sponsors Wednesday. The move comes as national budgets are being stretched thinner than ever due to war appropriations and health care costs.

All government-recognized holidays are on the auction block, expecting to raise anywhere from a few hundred thousand to hundreds of millions of dollars apiece, depending on popularity and religious significance.

Major companies have already bid on all major holidays through 2009. If deals are struck, expect to see Pepsi Labor Day Sponsored by Kraft; GlaxoSmithKline Veterans' Day; AOL Time Warner New Year's Day; Focus on the Family Presents Easter; Microsoft Wal-Mart Columbus Day; and GE Christmas Presented by Toys 'R' Us on calendars next year.

Chester Cheetah Named U.S. Poet Laureate

Chester Cheetah, long-time beloved spokescat for the Frito-Lay brand Cheetos snacks, was named U.S. poet laureate by President Bush Friday.

"It's a really great honor to accept this post," rhymed Cheetah. "I'm the cheesiest poet from coast to coast."

Chester Cheetah chills next to President Bush.

Cheetah is not the first cartoon jungle cat to be named to the prestigious post. In 1979, the memorable free-verse poetry of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes icon Tony the Tiger earned him the nod from then-President Jimmy Carter. Cheetah was quick to pay respect to his feline predecessor.

"Tony was the first, and that was grrreat. Now here's a little something to contemplate. The ears of the nation are listenin' to me, to proclaim my Ultimate Cheesiness® unto thee!"

Top News Headlines, June 19-25, 2005

2005-06-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

Autobiographer Criticized for
Thinking Only About Himself

Wilsonville Man Eats Lunch

$20 Lottery Winner Regrets Quitting His Job

As TV Draws to a Close, People
Look Ahead to Reading, Quilting

New MPAA Rating System:
C = Cool; UC = Uncool

Local Cook Discovers Use for Hot
Dog Water; Receives Nobel Prize

Week of June 12-18

2005-06-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hiatus.

GBM Interview: Norah Jones

2005-06-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

By Brad Ferndale
GBM reporter

Norah Jones' singing career has taken off like a jet airplane in a hurry to get out of Dallas. In two or four short years, her songs have earned her eleven Grammys and 19 Top Ten hits. She's sold more than 435 million albums to date, without even breaking a sweat, and at 26, she's got a lifetime of singing and charting still to come.

Some of her achievements include singing for the Academy Awards, touring with the USO in Afghanistan and Iceland, and founding two worthwile charitable organizations: UNICEF and Aflac. She maintains close relations with her extended family, and loves to spend her money on them: last year, she flew 55 uncles, aunts and cousins to Sea World from their home in San Diego.

GBM visited Norah in the busy conference room of Blue Note Records, where she is working on some vocal tracks for her forthcoming, as-yet-untitled third album.

GBM: Some people are telling me that you are poised to become the next Aretha Franklin, Peter Cetera, or Charo. How are you handling all of this superfluous publicity?

Jones: THAT IS CORRECT NEXT SPELL FURNISH

GBM: What was it like working with Twisted Sister's Dee Snider? He's a lively one, I'll bet.

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NOW TRY CHAMPION

GBM: That is interesting. Were there any sparks there, or did you stay 500 feet away like the restraining order required?

Jones: THAT IS INCORRECT TRY AGAIN CHAMPION

GBM: First Come Away With Me, then Feels Like Home have won the world over with soulful vocals and honest but whimsical lyrics. Will the new album be nautically themed or focus on campaign finance reform?

Jones: YOU ARE CORRECT NEXT SPELL ADDRESS

GBM: It's truly amazing, the way you can play piano and sing at the same time. Where did you master that unique skill?

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NEXT SPELL PORPOISE

GBM: I really enjoy the lyrics of "Painter Song", where you sing, "If I were a painter/And could paint a memory/I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you." Did you visit any home construction sites to get a feel for what a painter's life is like?

Jones: PORPOISE

GBM: To me? Wow, I didn't think you knew who I was, much less admired me enough to write me a song.

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NOW TRY GUMPTION

GBM: Yes, of course, I was only kidding. What kind of surprises are in store on the new tour? Any pyrotechnics, flying over the audience, any of that?

Jones: YOU ARE CORRECT NEXT SPELL MUFFLE

GBM: What about helicopters? I understand Gwen Stefani's been driving on stage in a Sherman Tank with balloon animals taped to the turret.

Jones: THAT IS CORRECT NEXT SPELL REALIZE

GBM: Norah, as always, you are as beautiful as you are lovely. Thanks for the chat.

Jones: YOU ARE RIGHT NEXT SPELL COPPER

(A Texas Instruments Speak & Spell contributed to this report.)

Top News Headlines, June 5-11, 2005

2005-06-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

Number of Bands Uncleverly Named
'Free Beer' Reaches 100,000

Studies Show Most Headlines
Written During Toilet Breaks

'___________ Is The New Black'
Offensive to African Americans

Breathing Deemed Unhealthy

Ogler Claims He's 'Just Trying to
Read Her Witty T-Shirt Slogan'

Man With Death Wish Steps
in Front of Rosie O'Donnell

Baker City Woman Breaks Turn Signal Negligence Record at 615 Miles

2005-06-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

SACRAMENTO, CA - Retired Baker City schoolteacher Myrna DeFaness entered the record books for her driving performance last week. No, she's not the first woman to win the Daytona 500, nor did she break the land speed record. She inadvertently drove the farthest distance in history with her left turn signal continuously blinking: 615 miles.

FAMILY REUNION

An early widow, DeFaness struggled as a single mother during the 1980s and 90s. When her daughter Jeanie was accepted to Stanford University, DeFaness vowed to stay in close contact no matter how many miles separated them. Upon graduation, Jeanie got a job in the California State Legislature office as a law clerk. Her visits home to Baker City were frequent at first, but then the pressures of work and family kept her away from her mother. When Jeanie became pregnant with twins, DeFaness promised to come out and see them when they were ready to be born.

Last Friday, DeFaness got the call: Jeanie was having contractions. She hastily loaded her car, a 2001 Honda Accord, and began the southwestern journey. She knew she had probably forgotten a few things. What she didn't realize was that turning off her left turn signal was one of them.

TUNNEL VISION

With a full tank of gas, DeFaness entered Interstate 84 South at milepost 306, signaling to merge into traffic. The noise of the cars and trucks in the adjacent lanes, coupled with her single-minded desire to reach Sacramento as quickly as humanly (and legally) possible, caused her to forget that the signal was on.

She ignored the clicking of the indicator in the dashboard. She couldn't see the flashing green arrow.

The route of Myrna DeFaness' turn signal negligence.

FEW STOPS ALONG THE WAY

Myrna's trek was not nonstop. There were stops at truck stops, rest areas and motels. However, each and every time she turned off the car, the turn signal lever was still in the down position. And when the car was started again, the signal resumed blinking.

"I just had no idea that the darned thing was on," said DeFaness. "I must have confused a lot of drivers when I would turn right instead of left."

In most cars, the turn signal lever on the steering column is designed to switch off automatically when the car's direction is righted. In DeFaness' car, for unknown reasons, the return switch did not work during the trip. Subsequent tests in Sacramento revealed that the switch was working properly.

HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS UNHEEDED

Somewhere in DeFaness' subconscious mind, she acknowledges that she did know the signal was blinking. At more than one stop, helpful motorists explained to her that the amber light had not been shut off. "There was a nice kid who kept saying, 'Hey, lady, your blinker's on,' but all I kept thinking about was Jeanie and those babies. It just didn't sink in that I had the power to do something about my signal," DeFaness explains.

The drivers of several other nearby cars were ignored as well. Chris Jenkins, a blackjack dealer driving to work in Reno, Nev., pulled up next to DeFaness, honked the horn, and pointed to the left front corner of her car.

"She was just in her own little world, I guess," recalls Jenkins. "I tried all of the hand motions - the pointing finger, the blinking thing with the hand, I even mimicked the motion of moving the little switch."

"She just kind of glossed over and looked away."

Six hundred and fifteen miles after first merging into I-84 traffic, DeFaness needed to make a right turn into the parking lot of Sutter Memorial Hospital. "That's when I noticed that it was already blinking left," she says of the green indicator arrow in the dashboard. "I was relieved to finally make it to Jeanie, so I guess I finally got back to paying attention to things. I wondered how long the signal had been on, and realized it was when I got on to the freeway back home."

"How embarrassing."

According to the U.S. Dept. of Transportation and Guinness, the previous turn signal negligence record was 520.4 miles, set by Roger Delapse of Sarasota, Fla., who was driving his motor home to see his son, Porkchop, in an Atlanta, Georgia jail.

Top News Headlines, May 29-June 4, 2005

2005-05-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Fed-Ex Launches Previous-Day
Service; Universe Implodes

TBN Reaches Milestone; Nobody Cares

News Anchor Passes Gas On Camera,
Totally Blames It on Co-Anchor

Lookin' Good Under the Hood: New
Designer Snakeskin Radiator Hoses

Mr. Clean, Mrs. Butterworth File for Divorce
As Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima Reconcile

Travel Alert: Breathtaking Views Annually
Hospitalize Thousands of Asthmatics

Recent News Chunklets

2005-05-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Shania Twain Dies in Fiery Tour Bus Crash; Or, Doesn't

BADGER CANYON, AZ - Multiplatinum country music singer Shania Twain's life came to an end Sunday as her tour bus careened off of a bridge, plummeted hundreds of feet to a canyon floor, and exploded in a massive oily fireball. Or, it did not.

Twain, 39, was on the southwest leg of her "Yeah, I'm Canadian, So What?" concert tour in Arizona, when the front right tire of her bus blew out, sending her and five band members over the ridge to their doom. However, it's possible that she was recording her next album in Los Angeles, hundreds of miles from the supposed incident, and that there was no accident whatsoever.

Arizona State Police officials have not confirmed that any music tour bus was anywhere near Badger Canyon on Sunday. The usual group of tourist buses that frequent the area have all been accounted for, according to a spokesperson. Contrarily, there is a good chance that ASP and several fire units did respond to the devastating scene of Twain's demise, which might have tied up traffic for 35 miles in both directions on Hwy 89A, or not.

CNN Headline News Season 8 Available on DVD

ATLANTA, GA - The long-awaited 8th season of CNN's 24-hour Headline News channel was released on DVD Tuesday, setting off a massive buying spree for news buffs worldwide. The comprehensive, 1,460-disc set contains all 8,760 hours of broadcast coverage, including every commercial, promo and replayed story for the entire year.

One of 163 boxes containing Season 8 of CNN HN.

Each set is bundled and shrink-wrapped on a wooden pallet, and is personally signed by CNN founder and AOL Time-Warner vice-chairman Ted Turner and CEO Jonathan Klein. Customers paying the nearly $37,000 price tag (about $25 per disc) receive a bonus DVD of extras, including floor director's commentary and a blooper reel.

Church Reader Board Writer Prays For More E's

EUCHEE, TN - The reader board outside Grace Community Fellowship greets thousands of passersby each day. Steve Greelee, the board's writer, hopes that a few of them will come visit the church come Sunday. However, there can be limitations placed upon his weekly spiritual offerings. It's not church censorship; it's a limited number of letters required to compose his messages, and this week, Greelee is counting upon Divine provision of a few more E's.

Greelee feels particularly called to display the message, "HE NEEDS EARNEST SEEKERS, NOT WEEKEND KNEELERS," but the fourteen E's required are five more than the church possesses. "I thought about calling upon Trinity Baptist to lend us what we need," he comments. "But it wouldn't be fair to deprive them of the fifth letter."

Two years ago, a similar E-heavy sign composition forced then-writer Al Fibetti to substitute the number 3 for an E, displaying it backwards on the sign. Greelee, with a sneer, called the practice "totally amateur-night."

Fibetti could not be reached for comment.

Top News Headlines, May 22-28, 2005

2005-05-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Weather Aftcasters Deemed Far
More Accurate than Forecasters

U.S. Comedy Administration Votes
Permanent Ban on Use of 'Spleen'

Jim Carrey Explodes

Revolutionary New Paper Towel
Absorbs Itself, Disappears

'Got ______?' Campaigns Less Clever Than Ever

TV News: Cocky Producers Pitch 'Law and Order:
Those Wacky Bailiffs'; NBC Orders 220 Episodes

PETA, PGA Seek to Prevent Opening of Putting Zoo

2005-05-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

by André Belltower
GBM Correspondent

SANDPOINT, ID – Several dozen representatives from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and the Professional Golfers’ Association have descended upon this quiet hamlet in Idaho’s panhandle in an attempt to bring national attention to a new amusement center which they have labeled “a den of animal abuse”: Bonker’s Putting Zoo.

Set to open in mid-June, Bonker’s Putting Zoo is a unique combination of classic putt-putt golf and small animals, two subjects in which its owner, Morris Stryker, is well-versed. “I’ve always loved going to the zoo, and I’m a pretty good golfer,” beams Stryker. “I have found a way to put my two passions together in a way that families can enjoy.” Patrons will pay a set fee for a bucket of rodents and other small creatures, which they then set upon the green and try to knock into each hole with an oversized putter.

A technician attempts to hit a birdie on Hole 11.

However, animal-rights authorities see this as a clear case of animal cruelty. “This is a blatant attack upon our furry and feathered friends,” said Barbara “Bo” Ghee, spokeswoman for PETA’s Spokane chapter, just as a technician prepared to launch a cordylus cataphractus, or armadillo lizard, through a wooden clown’s mouth on Hole 7. “There is no way that the animals are spared from harm. Little kids who have no concept of club control will just start whacking away at the poor little animals, in some cases sending them airborne for several yards.”

PGA Northwest Regional director Ty Teyneum is quick to distance his organization from the putting zoo. “We usually support local putt-putt golf courses, because they are good places to practice accuracy in a fun setting. But to replace golf balls with kittens or squirrels is something that the professional golfing community absolutely cannot endorse.”

Two major investors in Bonker's, Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller, were unavailable for comment.

Top News Headlines, May 15-21, 2005

2005-05-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

EPA Shuts Down 'Classic Rock' Radio
Station Due to Toxic Levels of Led

Corvallis Mom Stubbornly Insists Upon
Double-Clicking All Webpage Links

Molecules Are Really Little

Uninspired Sunday School Class Makes
Popsicle Sticks Out of Macaroni

Alchemist Turns Lead Into Golden Grahams

Opera Singer Shamed for Singing
'Happy Birthday' Off-Key

GBM Interview: George Clooney

2005-05-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

By Brad Ferndale
GBM reporter

In 1994, a highly anticipated new medical drama made its first rounds on the nation's airwaves. Featuring a cast of mostly unknown and last-chance-for-fame actors, "ER", with its intense, realistic trauma scenes interwoven with numerous personal-interaction story threads, was just what the doctor ordered for milions of viewers; for several seasons, this drama was a top ratings grabber.

Leading the cast was a versatile actor who had previously only worked in throwaway comedies and B films. George Clooney, as the head-bobbing, velvet-voiced Dr. Ross, made millions of women, and probably a few men, wish they were hypochondriacs every Thursday night.

Since leaving the show in 1999, Clooney has graduated to an impressive string of hit films. From action star in The Peacemaker and Three Kings to romantic leading man in One Fine Day and Solaris, he has remained on top of his game, and will most likely continue this success for years to come.

GBM caught up with Clooney at a small Italian eatery outside Baltimore, where he was just finishing up some re-shoots for his newest film, Syriana, which opens September 16.

GBM: You've had a busy year. With Ocean's Twelve under your belt, you've been finishing up two feature films. How have you been holding up?

Clooney: sssshhhhwwwwkkkkkk whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh

GBM: Tell us about Syriana. It looks to be pretty politically charged, given today's climate concerning intelligence and how much funding it deserves. What kind of research did you have to do to prepare for this role?

Clooney: whoosh whoosh whoosh WHOOOSSSSHHHHHH whoosh

GBM: Really. When you were in Langley, did you get to play with some cool spy toys, like James Bond?

Clooney: swshkk swshkk whoosh wshwshwshwsh shkwwwwkkkkk

GBM: Do you ever miss playing Doug Ross? Will he be making an appearance when Dr. Carter hangs up his stetothoscope? After all, you two buddied up to play doctors on "Friends" that one time.

Clooney: sssshhhhwwwwkkkkkk-k-k-k-k shw-k-k

GBM: Let's chat about Ocean's Twelve. Now, the first movie was called Ocean's Eleven. Aside from the gambling and heist training, was there any other math involved to get in the Twelve mindset? I understand that twelve is one more than eleven - sounds like calculus to me.

Clooney: whoosh whoosh sssshhhhwwwwkkkkkk whoosh whoosh sssshhhhwwwwkkkkkk whoosh

GBM: Any romantic roles in your personal life?

Clooney: whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh WHOOOSSSSHHHHHH whoosh

GBM: Wow, I didn't even know you two knew each other. Where did you two meet?

Clooney: ssssssswsssssswssssswssssswshhhhhh

GBM: Oh yes, Batman Forever. That was the role that many had claimed was "downfall of George Clooney". How do you feel about Bruce Wayne today? Does Christian Bale have what it takes to be the Caped Crusader?

Clooney: whoosh whoosh whoosh WHOOOSSSSHHHHHH whoosh

GBM: No, I suppose you wouldn't care, would you...

Clooney: whoosh.....whoosh whoosh

GBM: Thanks so much for your time, George.

Clooney: whoosh whoosh

(A Bosch B30 Benevenuto Espresso/Coffee Machine contributed to this report.)

Top News Headlines, May 8-14, 2005

2005-05-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

Lonely Engineer Converts Washing
Machine Into Hugging Machine

Huggies Introduces Low-Carb Diapers

Peter Piper, Pickled Pepper Picker,
Promoted to Pickled Pepper Packer

O Magazine, Average O Reader's IQ Turn 5

New Eco-Friendly Computers
to Feature 'Ctrl-Alt-Recycle'

U.S. Treasury Approves Zillion-Dollar Bill

News Story Mishap Results in Repeated Lead Sentence

2005-05-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

PORTLAND, OR - The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

An out-of-context photo, also the by-product of the story mishap.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence. The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

The readers of a news article were confused on Friday when a story mishap resulted in the repeated use of its lead sentence.

Top News Headlines, May 1-7, 2005

2005-05-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

In 'Special' NBA Playoffs, Everybody Wins

Enroll in 12-Step Program, Get 13th Step Free

Thumbless Man Has Nothing to Twiddle

Coke Re-Introduces 1985's 'New' Coke,
Claim They Just Don't Care Anymore

Despite Health Concerns, Taco
Bell Adopts Barter System

'CSI: CSI' to Focus on Crimes
Committed Within CSI

Recent News Chunklets

2005-04-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Madonna Reinvents Image Yet Again

LONDON - Pop superstar Madonna has undergone yet another image change in recent weeks, to coincide with the release of her new album, Crazy For Zoo. The theme of the album is the study and appreciation of zoo animals, one of the icon's latest in a long history of trendy passions.

Madonna's new zoologically-themed persona.

Madonna's image-shifting plans do not end here. In two years, she plans to transform into a 20-foot robot and shoot lasers out of her eyes. In 2010, she will begin the process of spontaneously growing branches and leaves for an unnamed future forestry-related project to coincide with the 40th anniversary of Earth Day.

100% of Respondents Don't Know What a Laker Is

LOS ANGELES - In a survey of 1,324 Angelenos conducted over the course of the 2004-2005 NBA season, fully 100% of respondents admitted that they simply did not know what a "laker" is - despite the popularity of the local team's nickname.

One season-ticket holder said, "I guess it would have to be some guy who lives by a lake, but I don't really see any lakes around L.A., you know?" Many people thought that a "laker" was a type of fresh-water fisherman, but had no actual basis for that analysis.

No plans have been announced to determine what a New York "Knick" is.

Newest Wall Street Journal Subscribers
Disappointed By Lack of Comics Section

SPUNFF, MO - Jim Ramshackle awakens each weekday morning at 4:45 a.m., shuffles out to his front porch, and picks up the newspaper. He brings it into his kitchen, starts a pot of coffee, and sits down in his breakfast nook, ready to start the day. His new copy of The Wall Street Journal before him, he flips through its pages in another fruitless search for his favorite comic strip, Dilbert.

This scene has been replayed countless times over the past few weeks, as the newest crop of WSJ subscribers, like Mr Ramshackle, face the disappointment of having to read the esteemed financial periodical without any sort of comic relief.

Wall Street Journal: No humor to be found.

"They've got those little drawings of people's faces instead of pictures, but those just plain aren't funny," sighs Mr Ramshackle. "I just want to have a bit of a laugh before I have to face my depressing, meaningless office job, you know?"

Top News Headlines, April 24-30, 2005

2005-04-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Inventor of Tetris Dies; Autopsy
Reveals Massive Artery Blockage

Sharks, Drownings Shorten Season
of 'Survivor: Middle of the Ocean'

New Study Shows 4 Out of 5 Dogs
Prefer Fresh Garbage to Canned

Consumer Alert: New Chocolate
Debit Cards Ruin ATMs

Turtle Wax Expands Into Lucrative
Non-Game-Show-Loser Market

Vatican Considered Temp Agency
for Interim Pope, Say Insiders

Gimme Your Money, Inc. Reports Earnings Slump

2005-04-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

GLASS RIDGE, PA - Gimme Your Money, Inc., a money-tendering kiosk located at the north end of Glass Ridge Mall, has reported lower than expected revenue for the first quarter of 2005.
CEO Mark Shoowitz speculates that post-holiday spending freezes, as well as not actually offering a product or service in exchange for customers' money, are to blame for the slump.

"People did go a little nuts shopping over Christmas break," said Shoowitz, who has operated Gimme Your Money, Inc. since October, "but not here. So I just figured that business would pick up once the new year got underway. I guess I was wrong."

Gimme Your Money sees few intelligent customers.

Gimme Your Money's business model is a relatively simple one. Customers can pay in any of five set amounts: $5, $10, $20, $50, and $227. There's also a monthly installment plan (minimum $23.08/mo.), for those who wish to spread their payments out over time, indefinitely. Upon payment, customers are given a paper receipt...and nothing else.

Some customers have felt dissatisfied with the lack of product or service given for their money. Al Turnipp, 56, a repeat customer, has threatened to report GYM to the BBB. "The first time I shopped here, I thought I was donating my money to a charity, maybe the tsunami deal or something. After two or three more weekly stops, I started thinking that 'Gimme Your Money" didn't seem like a good name for a charity. Now, I just feel horn-swaggled."

Indeed, even "itemized" receipts are vague with their descriptions of what customers have paid for. The Glass Ridge mayor's wife, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, concedes that she doesn't really know where the money went. "My receipt said that $227 went to 'Yacht Payment', and $50 to 'Front Pocket Fund'. What do you suppose that means?"

Shoowitz is undeterred by criticism. "I don't care what those so-called 'financial experts' have to say.

"My mission statement is very clear: 'I want your money. Gimme.'"

Top News Headlines, April 17-23, 2005

2005-04-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

Local Cheerleaders Request,
Receive Letters G,O,T,E,A,M

Theater To Show Film At 12:10,
2:30, 5:00, 7:25 And 10:00

Vancouver Nitwit Thinks
Everything is Funny

E.R. Charges 15% Gratuity
On Parties Of Eight Or More

News Radio Station to Cover
Traffic, Weather Together

Elton John Finally Switches From
Sunglasses to Colored Contacts

Owl Admits to Cheating on Lick Experiment

2005-04-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

TOOTSIE ROLL FOREST—At a press conference Monday, Professor Eustace Owl IV admitted to unscrupulous scientific practices in a 1970s landmark study, which was designed to determine the number of licks required to reach the chocolatey center of a Tootsie Pop.

Prof. Owl explained that in order to break through to the middle of the Pop quickly, one must employ the use of his teeth, or beak, to bite through the hard candy on the outer layer. This is in sharp contrast to the results of the study, which clearly showed that three licks were insufficient to achieve that goal. In reality, he explained, an estimated 300-500 licks are actually needed.

Prof. Owl gives falsified information to an unidentified boy.

Although not specific about the motives for tainting the experiment, Prof. Owl did elude to influences outside of the controlled study environment. "When I was sitting on my branch, these kids walked up to me and asked for my wisdom in this very matter. Because they were nice children, I did not want to bore them by sitting there licking the Tootsie Pop for a half-hour. So I entertained them by crunching through to the middle almost immediately, which seemed to satisfy them."

The unscrupulous Prof. Owl, as seen on a hat.

Owl also spoke about the flavors he preferred, and he noted that the flavor with the chocolate on both the outside and the inside seemed somewhat redundant.

The professor also used the press conference to dispel a common myth about the Tootsie Pop wrapper. "If you get a wrapper with the picture of the Indian shooting his arrow at a star, it DOES NOT mean you get a free Tootsie Pop."

Representatives from whoever in the heck makes Tootsie Pops had no comment.

Top News Headlines, April 10-16, 2005

2005-04-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

ADHD Co. To Offer Non-Productivity
Training Seminars for Workaholics

Local Student Uses Word Containing
‘G-U-N’; Suspended For Two Years

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Bodyless Eagle Rescued

2005-04-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

LARDBASKET, CO - Noggin the Eagle, a bald eagle best known for having no body whatsoever, was rescued from the hide of an unidentified cow Thursday.

He had been missing since April 1, when his caretaker, Douglas Fump, had taken him hiking and accidentally dropped him into a ravine. Buckle County Search and Rescue teams began the search for Noggin several hours later, and Saturday were joined by teams from surrounding areas upon news of this tragic loss.

"I was just hiking up Flat Foot Trail, when I heard what sounded like a rabid woodchuck off to my left," recalled Fump. "I spun, and Noggie just fell right off the top of my backsack and into the canyon. I'd never been so scared in all my life. Thank goodness for the dedication of these rescuers for not giving up on Noggie, even when they said he'd probably never survive this long."

Noggin the Eagle is discovered on the back of a cow.

Authorities say that Noggin, whose only body consists of a small hook-shaped appendage, fell into the ravine and landed on the back of a cow. The cow then walked out of the canyon and continued its search for food several miles away.

On Thursday, the cow returned, with Noggin the Eagle still perched upon its back.

"Nobody knows why that darned cow came back to the ravine," said Buckle County Sheriff Dan Dipp. "Maybe she left something behind."

Noggin has been taken to a local eagle-rescue facility, where he will be nurtured back to health, cleaned and polished. He should be released on Monday.

"Thank goodness Noggie's alright," said Fump. "I've had nowhere to hang my coat for almost a week."